Unexpected 12

by Suzy

I had been hoping I could run today, but felt unable to fully commit (with being sick and all). Just getting out at all would have been an achievement, but if it felt ok, I thought I would try and go 5-ish, then do a long run a little later in the week - and hopefully feel more prepared for the upcoming race. But I still wasn't sure whether I'd manage to run at all today.

Felt alright upon waking, then checked in with Nicole and confirmed she would join me - and I was very pleasantly surprised when Kirsten and Steph were able to come as well. We ran around 4.5 and then the ladies dispersed for coffee, work, kids, etc. I felt I had a little more in me, so I decided to keep going on my own and see where things led.

So I kept on chugging. I felt pretty good, considering how little I've been running, and how sick I've been feeling. I just kept on.

My mind began to wander. Just before setting out, I'd received a wonderful email from dear family friends (and I hope they won't mind my sharing it):

"We think of you often, with love and prayers. Suzy, hope you are feeling stronger for your run - just imagine us and all of the people who love all of you pushing you along, giving you energy..."

So I did that - I imagined them, and all the people that love us, pushing me along and giving me energy. I thought about the donations that have been coming in, and how moved I am by the support of our family and friends, and of perfect strangers.

I thought about all the recent notes on the Cure JM message board from newly diagnosed families - heartbreaking, because I have some sense of what lies ahead for them. I thought about what a horrible time Mielle has gone through with her treatment, and about other kids that have had even worse times - much, much worse. I thought about how helpless I've felt at various times over the past two years, and how confused, and how conflicted over the terrible decisions we've had to make.

I thought about other things happening lately, in regards to my special-needs son, that make me feel overwhelmed and hopeless and paralyzed with anxiety... and somehow this all coalesced into a single solitary drive to keep on RUNNING. I thought, "hell with it... I don't care about being sick, and barely running for weeks... I'm tired of feeling anxious about it... I'm running damn 11 miles today."

Somehow, pulling this long run out of nowhere today became some kind of statement for ME - a way to regain some control. A way to say "Screw you!" to everything that is causing me to feel confused and anxious and sad. A way to affirm the love and faith that's been placed in me by everyone that has donated on our behalf. A way to honor Mielle and the other JM kids, as well as my son Lucien - to show them that sheer force of will can be powerful, and nothing is impossible.

It's kind of silly, really, because in truth, nobody's really going to know or care whether I did or didn't run 11 miles today... except, of course, ME. I'd know. And for myself, today, I needed to feel triumphant. So I ran the damn miles.

And when I hit 11, I figured one more would be even better - really get me within striking distance of the half marathon. So I kept going to 12.

It was hard, and I'm more tired and more sore than I'm accustomed to from a long run. But I did it. I'm back in the game, baby!